Somehow college has a way of making everything in life seem more urgent than taking a 30 minute break to have a chat with God. Over the course of my first semester I went from having a happy heart, full of Jesus to carrying the weight of my broken heart, full of lackluster relationships, school stress, parties and loneliness. In other words, by the end of my first semester I was doing nothing more than going through the basic Christian routine; church on Sunday morning and an occasional mid-week bible study, but no daily interactions with Christ. And, if I'm being honest, my daily actions definitly weren't pointing anyone to Him either.
This past weekend I was given the opportunity to co-lead a group of about 15 seventh grade girls at a weekend church retreat. I would be lying if I said I didn't go into the weekend with the mindset that I would be sharing my somewhat clouded love for Jesus with a group of young girls, just hoping I could make it through the weekend without them noticing I wasn't as worthy to be leading them as they assumed. My sin-filled, human mind thought if I could just fake a perfect relationship with Christ and get through the weekend, I would be able to work out my own issues (on my own time) with God later. But of course, He had other plans and (obviously) a more perfect timing.
A friend once told me when you lose your desire to carry on pursuing a task or relationship, its crucial to go back to the beginning and remember what drove you to pursue that relationship in the first place. After watching seventh grade girls accept Christ into their hearts for the first time, listening to them pray over each other, and share their life stories (some unimaginably heartbreaking) it became evident that they loved our Father with every fiber of their beings. Their love for the Lord was raw, real, and still untarnished by worldly pleasures thrown at todays college students. This weekend, God gave me the perfect opportunity to go back to the begining and witness purest love for Him as these girls began their relationships with Him.
The second night of the retreat, while watching my girls lay hands on each other in prayer, my heart shattered and what started as tears of joy for their love for Christ and each other, quickly turned into sobs of convictions for my actions. In that moment, I knew God was breaking my heart and my stubborn, selfish will, so He could rebuild me in His own perfect way. It was time to let go of my worldy desires, leave them at the foot of the cross, and run to Jesus. In the midst of my tears and the tornado of sins swirling in my mind, I became overwhelmed with a sense of peace and what felt like the Lord calling out to me "You ARE worthy, every one IS worthy".
You see, I had been looking at my faith from the perspective that I had to clean myself up, on my own, before allowing myself to be embraced by our Creator. The more I would sin the farther I would flee from God, because I was ashamed-much like Adam and Eve hiding in the garden after eating the apple-and didn't want Him seeing and/or convicting me for my sins. Regardless of how many times I had heard it in the past, I refused to believe God could love me through my actions and had the power to change my heart if I would just open my it to Him. The truth is, we will NEVER be able to earn Gods love, through good actions or good Christian behaviors, because He is holy, and we are broken. We are saved, by grace, through faith alone and no actions can earn us Gods love, we must simply accept it.
With that I will leave you with the lyrics to a song that has been on my heart this entire weekend, Here's My Heart by David Crowder, and a prayer that all would be willing to open their hearts to the Holy Spirit, no matter how broken, and allow Him, who knows all, to speak what is true.
I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I'm made pure
I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free
You are strong, You are sure
You are life, You endure
You are good, always true
You are light breaking through
Here's my heart, Lord
Speak what is true.
I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I'm made pure
I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free
You are strong, You are sure
You are life, You endure
You are good, always true
You are light breaking through
Here's my heart, Lord
Speak what is true.